


Hellion: Alea Iacta Est

by BattleAngel



Category: Alex Rider - Anthony Horowitz
Genre: Alex Rider is a Mess, BAMF Alex Rider, Chaotic Alex Rider, Crack, Gen, Pyromania, ms jones is so done, not like diagnosed but he's def got a thing for fire, the criminal world fears alex and it's for a good reason
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-06
Updated: 2021-01-06
Packaged: 2021-03-16 16:22:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,370
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28584927
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BattleAngel/pseuds/BattleAngel
Summary: "Now, this wasn’t technically within MI6 regulation protocols. Technically, property damage was usually a no-no. Technically, this was very non-spy-like behavior. Technically, no one was supposed to know he was here until he was gone and the information gone with him.But if you wanted to be technical about all that, then Alex should never have stepped foot in the Royal and General Bank in the first place, so all those other pesky little rules could go right out the window with that one."Featuring pyro!chaotic!reluctantspy!Alex
Relationships: Alex Rider/Chaos, Tulip Jones & Alex Rider
Comments: 14
Kudos: 77
Collections: Alex Rider





	Hellion: Alea Iacta Est

**Author's Note:**

> alex says bad words and burns stuff

The guards outside the stereotypical bad-guy abandoned office building weren’t very imaginative with their security patrols, a fact that Alex Rider took full advantage of in his quest to break in, steal important shit, and subsequently torch the place. 

It was dark, and the fifteen-year-old was perched on top of a neighboring roof squinting through his binoculars to see what sort of weapons the guards were carrying. (His  _ personal  _ binoculars, due to the fact that MI6 was a cheap skank who only supplied the teen with exclusively  _ disguised  _ equipment that wasn’t really very practical in the long run. Besides, it’s not like Alex could ask Smithers for any gadgets to help him with this simple operation. It wasn’t quite important enough to be worth bothering with the usual paperwork for that.)

Alex, satisfied with his surveillance, tucked the binoculars away and slipped down the fire escape soundlessly. He took the long way back around to a  _ different  _ building, which was conveniently situated in a perfect position for someone with little self-preservation to leap from that roof to the targets’. 

He was midair briefly, and rolled into a smooth landing on the nasty roof.

_ Nice. _

Alex walked over to the rooftop access, steps smooth and soundless. He snickered quietly to himself when he saw the door’s cheap lock and took literally two seconds to bobby-pin it open. 

_ A bit lax around here, are they? _

He found the file room easily enough, narrowly avoiding a couple personnel on the way there. Of course, they wouldn’t have been a problem, but he liked to see the looks in the bad guys’ eyes as he ran cackling away from the crater where their base had been. Pure entertainment. 

Flashdrive in, flashdrive out, flashdrive in boot. Check, check, check, blah blah blah. 

_ Now for the  _ **_fun_ ** _ bit. _

Alex rooted through his pockets for a moment, just for show, before yanking two handy little staples of his kit out, inspecting them with blatant anticipation. 

_ Fire away. _

He rocked back on his heels and shifted the can of lighter fluid to one hand and the little lighter to the other. 

_ Math problem for the dropout. How quickly can one teenager cover a lot of ground without getting seen and without giving into anticipation and sending it all up in flames too early to do much damage? _

_ Better be hella fast. _

Alex’s muscles tensed.  _ Aaaaaand… threetwoonego! _

He zoomed down the corridors, splashing lighter fluid over the floor and walls. Now, this wasn’t  _ technically _ within MI6 regulation protocols.  _ Technically,  _ property damage was usually a no-no.  _ Technically, _ this was very non-spy-like behaviour.  _ Technically,  _ no one was supposed to know he was here. 

But if you wanted to be  _ technical  _ about all that, then Alex should never have stepped foot in the Royal and General Bank in the first place, so all those other pesky little rules could go right out the window with that one. 

Apparently Alex’s maniacal cackling had attracted some attention as he careened around a corner to almost face-plant into an enraged guard. Interestingly, as soon as the man saw Alex’s short stature, borderline psychopathic expression and the lighter fluid, he let out a short scream and turned to run. Yeah, he didn’t get very far. 

The rampage continued, quick incapacitations taking down every guard Alex stumbled on. He caught a glimpse out a window to see an intriguing sight; personnel frantically fleeing the building, running for their lives while screaming something indistinguishable. Alarms wailed through the building, apparently security cameras had  _ finally  _ caught sight of him. Alex was running when he suddenly stopped and backtracked, seeing a man in a suit slumped in a chair in your standard bad-guy center of operations room. Alex didn’t bother with stealth. In fact, he just plain-old knocked on the doorframe to see what was up with this dude.

The man groaned pitifully, and hunched in on himself.

_ Well this is interesting. _

“Uhm, what’s up, mate? You do know that I’m, like, actively about to set everything on fire, right?” Alex questioned, slightly concerned. “I mean, you’re going to die either way, but do you really just wanna sit there and take it?”

“Go  _ away _ , Phoenix,” the man sighed. “I cannot fight what is inevitable.”

_ Wait. What? _

“Wait, hold on, back up.  _ Phoenix? _ ” Alex asked, blinking incredulously. “Is that some sort of weird criminal nickname?”

“Surely you knew,” the man said exasperatedly. 

“Uh,  _ no,  _ I do not  _ know, _ but if you tell me I might leave you to take your best chances with the inferno rather than killing you right here?” Alex offered, then winced as the man looked up at him, more drily than someone in his situation had the right to.

_ In hindsight, that’s not a very generous offer. Oops.  _

“Fine,” the man sighed. “They call you Phoenix ‘cause you’re really hard to kill and always seem to have fire involved in your ops.  _ And  _ you’re a  _ kid. _ Everyone knows that phoenixes come back, like, baby phoenixes or whatever.”

Alex gaped.

“So you’re saying,” he repeated slowly, “that I’ve got some pretentious criminal nickname done as a jab at my cockroach-like abilities, age, and  _ pyromaniac tendencies?! _ ”

“That’s that,” the guy said dully. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, your massacring highness, but I’m going to go back to my existential crisis.”

Alex shook his head in disbelief, and muttered “ _ unbelievable, completely ridiculous,” _ as he trudged out, previous enthusiasm dimming. Of course, as he dully went back to his task, a spark of rage began to flicker in his chest. 

He grumbled to himself for awhile, then abruptly the spark burst into a blaze, and Alex snapped.

“Un- _ fucking _ -believable!” he shrieked. “You know what I’m going to do?! I’m going to hunt whoever thought up that  _ stupid  _ name across the  _ ends of the earth _ , and I’m going to  _ burn them alive,  _ and  _ then _ -” he was howling by now, “I’m going to  _ raze whatever FUCKING organization SPREAD IT AROUND to the _ **_GROUND_ ** _!”  _

And on that note, Alex tossed the flickering lighter into the trail of lighter fluid and looked up at the building with his arms crossed, watching with glee as it burst into flames.

Plus maniacal laughter.

Extra laughter for good measure, as bystanders watched, utterly terrified.

And by the time emergency services arrived, Alex was long gone.

* * *

Ms. Jones put her head in her hands and sighed, deep and longsuffering. 

“Alex,” she said, not even bothering to look up at the sulking teen in front of her. “This is the third base this  _ week _ that you’ve burnt to the ground,” she looked up, as if expecting him to say something. He huffed and glanced away. “Alex, it’s  _ Wednesday _ ,” she said desperately. “I know you really hate Scorpia. We  _ all _ know that you really hate Scorpia. But this is a bit…” she cast around for an adjective that appropriately represented the  _ overkill _ Alex was engaging in, “...much.” 

Alex sighed. “Ms. Jones, I don’t know what to tell you. Do you expect me to just let them live their lives peacefully? After what they’ve done? Oh no,” he said, eyes a little fiery, “no no no. I’ll get my pound of flesh, and whether it’s from traffickers working for mercenary terrorists or drug cartels working for mercenary terrorists, I can assure you that the only people losing here are the mercenary terrorists.” he said, then paused to add, “and whoever does my paperwork. The stress from that’s probably killed someone by now.”

“You could do schoolwork!” Jones cried, “you could train! You could spend time with friends! You could do  _ just about anything other than  _ **_arson!_ ** ”

“But if it’s arson for the  _ good  _ guys, is it really arson?” Alex said diplomatically, trying to placate her a little. He had to admit, seeing her show this much emotion was a little disconcerting. 

“ _ YES IT IS STILL ARSON!”  _ she shrieked.

Alex blinked.

“Well, you’ll be happy to know that I have a new target!” he said, trying to offer something good. 

Jones sank down in her seat. “Fine,” she sighed. “What has somebody done?”

Alex brightened, and immediately launched into an epic tirade against whoever came up with that “ _ godforsaken, bastard-ass-dead-eyed-fish-faced grass-snake mocking manacled moniker-” _

* * *

~~ Somewhere in the world, Yassen Gregorovich sneezed.  ~~

**Author's Note:**

> so, I might add onto this, I might not, who can say really. pls comment I am sad and lonely


End file.
